I think of you every day…how have you been gone for 4 years already? I can still hear your laugh, smell your Oscar {de la Renta}, see your scarves, hear you saying “whoofta” in the steam, feel your smells, hear you saying, “I’m gonna fly over there and sting you if you don’t start behaving!” (to which we always knew you never would). How you always cried when we said grace…and you always started with “Lord, thank you for my family” {to which your voice would ALWAYS crack…and we’d all chuckle and someone else would try to finish grace for you…namely, Uncle Van!} Do you know how many lives you made a difference in? Do you know I talk about you all of the time? That I wish you were here to meet my boys? I have TWO BLUE EYED boys…we all know how you loved those blue eyes. I have two who you could luv and smell up…and Trevor…boy, he’s just as ornery as me. I miss playing cards with you and trying to beat you at cribbage (do you know that I once had a running tab with a boyfriend…we played 100 games of crib and he only beat me 5 times? YOU taught me how to play!). I miss steams and your smoked fish. I miss your little soft body hugging up against us and you trying to reach up and put your arm around us, but we are all so much taller than you, so you would just wrap your arm around our waist. I love looking at all of the family photos…your chest is puffed up like a proud little hen with all of your chickadees around you. I miss your cooking and how you would always make us finish. I miss watching you put 3 equals into a little tiny cup of coffee. I miss listening to you when Mary would come over and you two would gossip…trying to whisper so we couldn’t hear. I miss how we used to laugh so hard we could pee our pants. I miss calling you and hearing you say, “Well no kidding. Look who finally called me.”…even if I had just called you the week before. I miss your look you’d give when you were mad…we ALL know that look. I miss your little lead foot…beebopping around King Salmon. I miss how when you got older, you no longer wanted to drive, but liked us driving you around. When we would see you after a long time, you would just lead us around all over town showing us off. I remember surprising you (and Mom) one day…I just showed up and spent the night with Rob and then we went to Mom’s house the next day and Mom almost pooped her pants…and then she wanted to surprise you, so we went to Gwennies and I had a beanie hat on and was sitting there and you looked at me and sat down and then I said, “Hey Gram!”…and you started crying and then hit my arm and called me a “little shit!”…I remember your last Christmas (I had no idea it would be your last, boy, that was a fun one!!!) I remember when I called to tell you I was pregnant with Zachary…and you started crying and told me you had cancer…in your lungs…the size of a quarter. I started crying, wishing I hadn’t waited so long to have kids, wishing I hadn’t lost 2 babies before Zachary, wishing so many things, because, mostly, I wanted YOU to be able to hold MY baby and sniff it and tell me how beautiful he was. I remember Mom telling me it wasn’t going to be long and I got the OK to fly to Alaska to see you. I remember seeing you in bed and Mom said, “Look who came to see you.”…and you asked to be sat up and patted the bed…my sign to sit next to you…and I did…and you just put your head on my belly and sobs wracked your body…and I sat there and held you in my arms with my baby inside me and your tears on my belly and my tears on your head. It was so hard to see you like that…knowing how you used to survive on 3 hours of sleep and a couple of cat naps throughout the day. You were dying and we all knew it. I came to visit and watch videos with you, tell stories, remember good times. I remember Tish & I standing with our bellies on your head…and you were just so happy…you had your little chickadees loving you up. How were you so brave? How did you find the nerve to say good bye? I stopped by to see you on my way back to California and you said to me, “T! When are you coming back? Will I see you this summer?”…In all the things I wanted in my life, I wanted you to be around that summer so I could just see you and hug you and love you up. Oh, gram…I miss you so much…we have so many wonderful memories together…you’ve done so much for all of us. Your heart as big as Alaska. If I could just have one more day with you, the things I would tell you, the hugs I would give you, the crib we could play, the hottest steam we ever had, we’d eat smoked fish & akutak until our tummy’s popped, I’d drive you anywhere you wanted and listen to any story you had to share…I wouldn’t let you out of my sight. I know you know I loved you…I wish I could tell you again and just feel your soft hug, smell your Gram smell and hear your “Love you hun.”
I love you,
T
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