Broken

Being so close to the holidays and hearing of all of the tragedy’s in my homeland, I’m compelled to write. 

I can’t stop thinking about the mommy’s and the daddy’s and the brothers and the sisters…

When something tragic happens, it’s like it falls in my heart, it’s there and I can’t stop putting my heart in that mommy’s shoes…

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My heart is broken.

How do I wake up today? 

Where are those feet that were supposed to jump into bed with me last night? 

Why didn’t I stop for one more fabulous smooch good bye?

How do I tell his brothers that he is gone? 

Not.coming.back.

How do I look at his shoes…

his clothes…

his room…

How do I go on when I stumble on a toy that’s been missing for months…he was looking for it and I found it…

How do I put it all away?

his iPad with the pictures he takes of himself…

those 10000 pictures I’ve taken over the years…

his super hero costumes…

how can I bear not hearing, “I loved you first Mommy!”?

How do I feel about all of the times I was short and not patient?

yelling to get to school…

get dressed…

eat your food…

take a shower…

How can I remember his little feet?

his first giggle…

the first time I heard his heart beating…

his chubby little hands reaching for mine…

checking in on him at night making sure he’s still breathing…

All the things I will miss…

his little morning breath…

his silly little dance…

his little lisp…

his love of chocolate…

his smart little head…

his excitement that his daddy’s on a business trip and he gets to sleep with me…

our special dates…

our memories…

our talks…

his heart…

our lives…

What was my baby thinking when it happened?

was he scared…

did he know I love him…

I couldn’t fix it, stop it…

I wasn’t there for him…

I couldn’t say good bye…

I WON’T EVER HOLD HIM AGAIN…

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I don’t know a single person who lost their baby this past week, but I know they are a parent.  They love.  They nurture.  They wake up in the middle of the night.  They make sacrifices.  They plan birthday parties.  They know Santa.  They heard first heart beats.  Saw 2 blue lines on that pregnancy test.  Sat thru Dr.’s appointments.  Cried when their babies got their vaccines.  It’s heartbreaking.

I am a mom.  I am a parent.  I love.  I hurt.  I cry.

I will take this time to remember those little lives cut too short.  TOO SHORT.  It’s wrong.  They are gone.

I will take this time to honor those who are gone by remembering to love my babies harder.  Give them one more kiss.  Hold them a little longer.  Cuddle on the couch.  Put my computer away.  Get off the phone.  Say a kind word.  Make an extra ice cream date.

I will remember that I LOVE MY BABIES…they are my greatest gift…my purest treasure…my biggest weakness…my heart.

My love, my family, my life.